Do women like being approached in the street? Perspectives from two females

Hot woman walking in street

Approaching moving women in the street is popular in the London ‘pickup scene’. Keep your eyes open in Oxford Street, and you’ll see multiple men stopping girls in their tracks.

Before I started doing these approaches, the idea of running up to a girl in the street seemed crazy. However, a friend made me try it and I realised it can be very effective.

So what do girls think about it?

Girl A: Leave me alone!

This was a post made on Facebook by a girl I know:

So I’m walking home from my friend’s house, and some guy, walking slightly in front of me, slows down and walks in front of me. He says “I like your boots”.

I say “I don’t like yours.”

A few seconds later, he says “I loved your response earlier.”

I said, “well, with a response like that, it would have been enough to let you know that I’m not interested.”

He said “I’m not trying to get your number or anything, it’s clear you’ve had a rough day.”

I replied, “no mate, I haven’t had a rough day, I just want to walk down the street without being bothered.”

…Eventually he took the hint and fucked off.

I’m sorry, but if I’m walking down the street, I don’t bother strangers, and if I did, I’d take the response and fuck off. Who do the fuck do people think they are? I don’t owe you my time or my patience.

Piss off.

A comment from her later in the discussion thread:

“I’m fed up of being bothered in the street”

Analysis

This was obviously a pretty crap pickup attempt, but we’ll talk about that in a sec.

The important thing is this: this girl obviously felt pretty angry if she bothered to go onto Facebook and write a long post about it. It was obviously not nice for her to be approached on the street. As men, we need to appreciate that these experiences can sometimes be unpleasant for women.

However, in this particular example, it’s obvious that it was a terrible pickup attempt. Firstly, the guy didn’t stop her – walking alongside a girl is just creepy. Secondly, he opened by complimenting her boots. If you’re going to approach a girl on the street, you have to declare your intentions openly, passionately and honestly. A lame compliment is not the way to do that.

Lastly, he acted like he was entitled to meet her when he said “it’s clear you’ve had a rough day.” This is what really annoyed her. Guys: no girl owes you a conversation.

Girl B: Wow!

This is an email from a Scottish girl that I stopped in the street – I felt a bit awkward but she was so gorgeous I had to meet her. I gave her my card (which only has my email address on it) and she messaged me a few days later:

Hello Johnny

It was good to meet you the other day in the city of London.

A little odd perhaps as I do not tend to get accosted by men on the street 😉 – but I would like to stress good all the same.

Very brave move on your behalf…

I hope you are well.

This is my email and it was nice meeting you.

To me, this is gold. I talked to this girl for less than five minutes, and she was excited enough to take the initiative and contact me.

This outcome doesn’t happen to me every day – but it speaks volumes. This is exactly why you should take risks and approach girls in difficult situations. Yes, she might think you’re a weirdo. But she also might be excited and intrigued by your confidence.

What else can you do in a short space of time that will make that much of an impact on a girl?

What can we learn?

It’s clear that some women feel uncomfortable being approached in the street, and guys need to appreciate that. We need to know when to back off. But most of all, we need to know how to present ourselves in a way that is non-threatening and attractive.

It’s equally clear that there are women who would love to meet a confident guy who is willing to take risks.

Why daytime street approaches can be better than night approaches

Some people will say “why approach girls in the street when you could do it in places where they want to meet guys, like bars and clubs?”

Well, here’s the funny thing: I originally met girl A in a club. I walked up to her with a playful opener, and she was really obnoxious to me. In my younger years, that would have ruined my night. However, being more experienced, I kept talking just to see what happened. Eventually the girl started being nicer. We later met again through a mutual friend.

What’s interesting to me is that the girl in question was less rude to the random guy in the street than she was to me in a ‘social environment’. That is consistent with all my experiences with day approaches vs night approaches.

So there you have it. A lot of girls prefer to meet guys in nightspots. But if you’re a guy trying to meet pretty girls? In the street, you might get rejected faster. But you’ll also make more impact, gain more confidence, and get less rudeness from girls you want to meet. It’s worth the risk.

How to avoid over-texting a girl (and blowing your chances with her)

Girl texting

It’s a common situation. You meet a girl, you get her number, you’re having fun text conversations, but it’s not going anywhere. Either she is not showing you enough interest for you to ask her out, or you can’t get her out on a date.

So what do you do? If you keep texting, you might lose any attraction she has for you – you end up looking needy, or she gets bored.

The best thing to do is to just stop texting her for a while. Two weeks or two months later, her situation could be very different. Maybe she broke up with the guy she was seeing. Maybe she hasn’t got laid in a while. Maybe she misses your texts.

Not texting: easier said than done

The problem is that when you really like a girl, it’s hard to resist the temptation to keep texting her. Bored, drunk, or horny, you say to yourself “what’s the harm in sending one text?” And then you blow it.

Well, I have come up with a simple but effective (and slightly nerdy) way to solve this problem!

Introducing: the TextSheet

Quite simply, you write her number down and delete it from your phone until the time is right to text her again. Put it in a spreadsheet with her name and the date you decide you will re-initiate contact.

Add notes about your last conversation, because you’re also going to delete her messages from your phone. You want to make sure you have no way to contact her on your phone. And in a few weeks you might have forgotten what you talked about (especially if you meet a lot of girls).

Why the TextSheet works

This way you don’t lose her number, but you can’t ruin your game by sending a drunk or impulsive text. Also the notes about your conversation make it easier for you to use call-back humour, which is important for text game.

Deleting a number from your phone also makes it easier to move on and focus on the next girl.

A 3-pronged guide to beating Approach Anxiety

Couple staring at each other on bench

For most guys that want to meet more women, Approach Anxiety is their first and biggest hurdle. Approach Anxiety is the overwhelming sensation of fear and impending danger that men often feel when they want to approach a woman.

In my own experience, when my AA was very bad, my heart would race, my body would tense up, and I would feel like I was standing on the edge of a cliff. As soon as I got close to the girl, my mind would sometimes convince itself that it didn’t want to approach– then as soon as I was far enough away, I would want to approach again!

I’m certainly not the first person to write about Approach Anxiety, but I’d like to explain my own (completely unproven) theories on what it is, and how to conquer it.

1. Approach Anxiety is an evolved survival mechanism

When AA kicks in, it can be absolutely overwhelming and it can completely override all logical thought. You can tell yourself, ‘just go over there, what’s the worst that can happen?’, but it makes no difference. Your body won’t move.

This is because Approach Anxiety is in part a survival mechanism coming from the most primitive part of your brain. All those symptoms – heart beating, adrenaline rush, muscles tensing – they are all ‘fight or flight’ responses. This probably comes from a time when our ancestors could have been killed by another male for approaching the wrong female.

The reason thinking logically or repeating mantras doesn’t work is that the process is not happening in the ‘higher reasoning’ part of your brain. That is why the only way to truly get over AA is to desensitise yourself to the fear in small increments. For example:

Exercise 1: Stand next to an attractive woman you like, walk away
Exercise 2: Stand next to an attractive women you like, ask a question, walk away
Exercise 3: Stand next to her, ask a question, make a follow up statement, walk away
Exercise 4: Stand next to her, ask a question, make a follow up statement, ask another question
Exercise 5: Stand next to an attractive woman you like, give her a compliment

I recommend Eric Disco’s book ‘She’s Six Steps Away’ to anyone looking to overcome AA. It breaks down the desensitisation steps for you and gives you advice on dealing with embarrassment, rejection etc.

2. Approach Anxiety is amplified by a general fear of talking to strangers

Approach Anxiety is related to general social anxiety. I found that on days where I ‘warmed up’ by talking to strangers that I wasn’t attracted to, my Approach Anxiety lessened.

This kind of social anxiety is totally normal. Most people do not make a habit of casually talking to complete strangers – at least not in London!

The solution is to talk to people wherever you go. Here’s a few exercises you can do:

Talk to people serving you in shop. Whenever I go into a shop, I ask the cashier how their day is going. They are happy to talk to you because they’re bored. This feels weird at first but after a while it becomes natural – I have some great laughs with people at checkouts now.

Practice ‘thinking out loud’. When you go into a shop, just say whatever you are thinking to the first person you see “woah, it is BUSY in here today”. Or say to the person next to you at the coffee shop “these cakes look amazing”. Just say what you’re thinking – you’d be surprised at how easily this turns into a conversation.

Talk to people on the tube/bus. This is a bit more advanced because nobody talks to strangers on the tube (except me). One way to do it is to just comment on unusual things that people are wearing or carrying, e.g “Is that a trumpet?” Another thing you can do is grab one of the free newspapers lying around, open it, read a couple of pages, then close it. As you’re closing it, turn to the person next to you and say “do you ever start reading the newspaper and just decide that it’s way too depressing?”

Sometimes it can be incredibly hard doing this stuff – you feel awkward, or the person you talk to suffers from shyness themselves. But just by saying something, you’ve won. As long as you’re going outside your comfort zone, it WILL get better. Eventually you will have balls of steel.

3. Approach Anxiety is amplified by shame you have about sex and pickup

Your Approach Anxiety is going to be worse if, deep down, you hold any of these beliefs:
• It is wrong to want sex or love
• It is wrong to talk to women you don’t know
• It is wrong to approach women with the intent of sleeping with or dating them
• It is wrong to approach women in daytime situations
• Other people around will judge you negatively for approaching her

You may hold some of these beliefs without even realising it, and they may be conflicting with other beliefs you hold e.g “I need to meet women”. This causes a kind of deep mental turmoil psychologists call ‘cognitive dissonance’.

You can figure out if you have any shame by looking at how much you hide these things from others. Are you afraid to talk about your sex life or sexual urges in front of others? If so, you probably have sexual shame on some level (that is what will make you ‘creepy’ around girls, by the way).

Do you hide your self-development and pickup activities from people around you? If so, you have shame related to those things too.

Here’s my advice for getting over your shame:

Go to therapy. Talking to a therapist will help you get over all those weird beliefs about sex that were ingrained in you by society and your parents.

Start telling people about your attempts to learn pickup. Why should it be a secret? You’re not doing anything wrong in wanting to improve your social skills and meet women you like.

When I first started working on my dating skills, it was this big secret. Over time, I told my friends, colleagues, my therapist, girls I was dating, and even my parents! Almost every time I told someone, their response was that they thought it cool. Getting it out there helped me accept what I was doing and I realised that my fear of being judged was unfounded.

The journey: What to Expect

Beating Approach Anxiety was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It took me nearly two years of regular approaching to get over the worst of it.

The journey was hard. There were times I would go out, feel like I was getting better, and have the same fear return the next day. Sometimes I even felt like my AA was getting worse.

But I kept pushing myself. Then one day, I realised I could approach without warming up. Suddenly I could approach on my lunch break or while I was making my way around the city. All you have to do is get to this point – then you can really start working on your conversation skills.

Why guys should approach women in ‘risky’ situations

Men looking at attractive lady

Lots of people think that you shouldn’t approach women in situations where they might want to be left alone. Apparently, if you approach girls when they’re wearing headphones, reading, working out, or walking down the street, you’ll just annoy them.

Well, I’m here to tell you that that’s bullshit.

Let clarify my position for a second. Obviously, it’s true that women sometimes want to be left alone. And when women give a clear indication they don’t want to talk to us, we should respect it.

But the fact is, that girl who looks ‘busy’ might just be the perfect one for you. And why should you sacrifice your pursuit of happiness and love just because you might annoy a stranger for a second?

Why you should approach in ‘risky’ situations

1. Some women want to be approached

When you start taking some risks, you realise that your worst fears are often unfounded. Girls are frequently happy to meet you.

Sometimes that girl studying is bored. Sometimes that girl wearing headphones is lonely. Sometimes that girl strolling down the street is waiting for a cool guy to walk into her life.

2. There are no risk-free situations

Now we’ve established that some women want to be approached, here’s something to bear in mind. Outside of a singles night, there are no situations where a woman will definitely not mind being approached. There is always a risk you will annoy her.

Even in social places like bars and clubs, a certain percentage of women want to be left alone. They are catching up with a long-lost friend, they just want to dance, they just got dumped and temporarily hate men, etc.

In fact, I’ve had some women be absolutely obnoxious to me in bars and clubs just for walking over to them. Weirdly, that has never happened to me in the day.

3. Most guys can’t afford to wait for approach invitations

Of course, women will sometimes give guys approach invitations by looking at them. But I’ve had some amazing interactions with girls who didn’t look at me.

There is just no sure way of knowing what will happen until you approach. So unless you’re a male model and you’re constantly getting stared at, you need to approach everyone you’re attracted to.

4. Less people are approaching the ‘busy-looking’ girls

Every guy looking at the cute girl with headphones on is thinking the same thing: “what if I annoy her?” And if you’re the only guy to approach her that day, that works in your favour.

5. So what if you annoy her?

That girl doesn’t care if you’re lonely, so why should you care if she’s busy? I don’t like being stopped by charity fundraisers but I know they’re not trying to annoy me, and I accept it as a part of life. So should the girls you approach.

The Single Greatest Reason you should approach boldly

Simply put: the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.

Approaching a girl in a bar is relatively low-risk, but you don’t win any points for boldness.

When you approach in the street, there’s a definitey chance you’ll be rejected. But it also speaks volumes about your confidence and your ability to take risks, which is very attractive. When she does accept your bold approach, the payoff is huge and you instantly stand out from all the other guys.

A Word of Warning to guys

I have to add a couple of caveats here for any guys reading this.

1. No woman owes you a conversation
When you take risks, girls are going to reject you. Don’t take it personally and don’t argue with them. You are doing something unusual and they have every right to walk away or ignore you.
2. Be aware of female safety concerns
As guys, we often forget that women worry about getting raped – or they actually have been in the past. So being bold doesn’t mean being thoughtless. Think twice about approaching her on that quiet train platform at night, because you might just scare the shit out of her.

Summary
In short, taking risks is part of meeting women, and accidentally ruffling a few feathers is inevitable.
The only way to guarantee you will NEVER annoy a woman is to NEVER take action.
And we all know where that ends..

Man enjoying porn mag in toilet